Mọrírì

Appreciation in my mother tongue, Yoruba.

I believe there is a Chance the Rapper song for every emotion I feel and that’s what makes him one of my favorite rappers today. I feel ‘Wonderful Everyday’ and that’s what this post is about. I want to show appreciation to everyone who has made this blog a success, to everyone who has retweeted, to everyone who has clicked the links, to everyone who has read the posts, to everyone who has referred anyone to my blog, to anyone who has ever spoken about my blog, to everyone that has commented or messaged me with feedback, to all my guest writers, to anyone that has argued with me over any of my posts, and most importantly to those that have inspired me whether you know it or not, I thank you!
I am grateful for the joy I feel when I write. To me it’s like a release of whatever stress and emotional turmoil I may be experienced. It is my outlet, I don’t write particularly for people to read but it feels great to know people actually read my stuff and have a thing or two to say about it. It is difficult to remain passionate about writing I must admit, when everything seems bad or you have no words to write you lose hope that you may never write again, that you may never have anything to say, we call it writer’s block but I have come to understand that it isn’t “writer’s block”, it’s just me being scared to write how I really feel because of what people might think or who it might offend or whether or not I sound like a bitch or a slag or whatever I can think of in order to convince myself that I have ‘no words’ because those are words. I wish I didn’t self-defeat just as much as I wish I didn’t care so much about what other people think or feel, but I’m working on it.
I get inspiration from the people around me, my friends, my ex-friends, my family, my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriends, strangers I happen to follow on my TL, people I have random conversations with online and in person, the barista at Costa Coffee, the vendors in the streets of Lagos, I am inspired by these people and I wish I could thank every one of them but what good would that do, so I write about them and my experiences with them and what they have taught me because I feel I’m doing good by doing so.
It is hard to describe how this blog has helped me become the person I am today but I genuinely feel grateful for every person that has been involved no matter what kind of relationship I have with them presently, without them I won’t be me. This has been a wonderful journey so far and will continue to be.

Thank you!

I am very very lonely

Maybe it is writers block, I’m not entirely sure I just haven’t been ale to write for months now but I think it’s coming back to me because something just sparked within that urged me to open up my QD page and begin this post. Maybe it’s the fact that there’s a lot of stuff going on in my life currently, with the move to university, having to meet new people, self development, relationships and relationshits, self actualization and self esteem, or is simply writers block. Anyway, I’m here now so I might as well go on.
I’m going to kick it off with how I’m feeling this very day, at this very moment, September 15th at roughly 8’o’clock pm. I feel very very lonely, the type of loneliness Chance croons in the awesome song “I am very very lonely” currently playing loudly from my speakers. The kind of loneliness you feel in the midst of people, in the middle of the room at Sankeys in Manchester on Afrobeats nights, the kind of loneliness you shouldn’t feel in the most beautiful relationship with the most amazing person, with the most incredible friends and wonderful parents that always want to talk to you about whatever you’re thinking and would never judge you no matter what because they love you. That kind of loneliness. I don’t want to talk to anyone; I want to be alone yet I crave the love and tenderness that my boyfriend wraps warmly around me constantly. I want to go out with my friends, laugh, gist and cry with my best friends, both of which are not in the same country as I am so I can not physically do that. I want to get absolutely wasted but what would be the point. I will still end up in my room, feeling the same loneliness I felt when I left it.

“Shoulda had ya when I had ya, now I wish I got ya tonight”

Sometimes I feel like maybe I made the wrong choice in becoming who I am, but then I look at the people I left behind and I’m grateful I do not live such a reckless life anymore. I grew up. I quit the childish “games”, the dumb shit that I used to enjoy that may or may not have an impact on my future and I decided to grow up. Took me a while but now I wish to disassociate myself with people of that time and with people that will bring me down to their level, the level I have risen above. Yes, yes I am proud, I’m a proud motherfucker, but if I wasn’t I would succumb to the pressures that society, friends and even family will put on me which may have a negative impact. People seem so small and simple these days, I aspire to be around people that are above my level, which will only bring up to their level not people that will shoot me at my knees.
It isn’t about being proud though. Don’t go around judging and dropping people out of your life, I just speak from my experience.

“Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people.” – Wikipedia
talk to someone, share your emotions, don’t keep things bottled in. Just remember that it’s alright, and it will be alright.

I remembered a quote that i had to search to get the exact words from one of my favourite books “My Sister’s Keeper” – “Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

Tose

With my little brother’s 15th birthday approaching quickly I feel I should dedicate this post to him specially.
My brother has been my best friend, the cerelac stealer, drink finisher, driver taker and my worst enemy in the 15 years of his life, but I honestly could not have asked for a better brother. Actually, that’s a lie, I could have asked for one that did not eat all the food in the fridge, but he has done a good job so far.
When I look at my kid brother now I honestly can’t help but let my mind wonder to the days when I could place my chin on his head, when I could steal his toys and watch him cry, when he didn’t sound like my dad, when he didn’t have girls flocking around him and when he had nowhere to go with the driver. My little brother is no longer little and as proud as I am of him today for the person he has turned in to, I worry a lot about him because at 15 I was something else. I now realize that I have to be a good role model, well, at least someone he can come to with any problems he may be having at anytime no matter what, whether it’s girls, drugs, money, faith or work. What I can’t believe is that I am only just realizing the importance of our sibling bond today!
Now my brother walks ahead of me on Oxford Street so as not to be seen with me, now he towers over me when I take his iPad or his phone, now there’s always some girl calling him on Skype, now my own friends tell me of my brothers antics, and all I can do is laugh it off because “he’s at that age” I tell myself. This is nothing new to people with younger siblings, you look at them and reminisce, you remember yourself at that age, how little you knew back then yet you thought you had it all figured out. I remember that I once went through that period in my life, so when I get angry at my brother I just think about how silly it would sound when he’s looking back on arguments when he’s my age.
I know I can be a difficult sibling, but I love my little brother with everything I’ve got and will defend him with everything I’ve got no matter what. We only really want the best for our siblings no matter how much we tease and bully them. I only hope to inspire my brother as he does inspire me. And with that I wish my favorite little rat a happy 15th b’day!

Skits IV

Every time I have writers block I have the urge to close down QD. I feel she has become useless and is no longer doing the job that she once did in my life, but I snap out of it usually.

It’s been a tough few weeks, with the stress of exams, broken friendships and the loss of loved ones taking its toll on me I am honesty tired. I feel a little weaker than I’ve ever been, a little less able to control my emotions, a little more than upset but I have this (what I believe to be) inherited gene from my mother that allows me to plough through it all, sticking a smile on my face and getting by.

The Art Of Getting By, a great movie if you haven’t watched it, directed by Gavin Wiesen. To be honest, I am starting this post with nothing I want to talk about, I feel that any subject I delve into will only expose any raw emotion I am currently experiencing which may cloud my judgment and/or perspective on any issue. I’ve been reflecting on the year so far, from the heartbreak of January to the new love of August, it’s funny how many people you promise the world to, how many people you say I love you to someone whether you mean it or not, the number of people you envision your future with, yet here you are, promising and saying all these things to another person. If you do not break away from the habit of dreaming of the future whilst living in the present you will end up like me, unable to forgive myself for letting myself down. It is important to live in the present in your relationship, it is nice to dream or want or wish for those amazing treasures of the future but what if it doesn’t work out? It upsets to me to hear people, especially young girls, talk about the guy they are with being the only one for them, or having an obsessive way of handling their relationships, struggling to keep the guy by any means necessary because they “love” him.

You don’t NEED anyone.

You don’t need to search for “the right” guy.

If you search you will not find. It’s that simple.

 

unfinished

Fat Belly-ism

I describe the realization of what or who you are as ‘fat belly-ism’.

Fat belly-ism – [Fah-t-bel-e-iz-m] the point at which you realize that you actually have a fat belly and decide that this is what it is. Once you come to terms with the fact you have a fat belly, there are only two options you can choose from; the first, you can ignore the fat belly and leave it till it becomes a ginormous belly, or you can work at getting a toned bikini bod. The same principle can be applied to ones self-actualization process, once you see yourself as the strong independent man or woman that you are you can either work hard at remaining this person whilst thriving to be better or you can coast, be happy in your spot, chill, not worry about that fact that China is about to send 30 odd men and women that are probably smarter than you to take your place in whatever position you hold, whether it’s at work, a school or at home.

This is a major problem in Nigeria; most people have this fat belly disease (literally too, why does no-one look after their bodies in this country!), everyone is happy to live at average. “I’m making a decent salary, I’m good”, “I’m in the top set, I’m doing okay” etc., why is it okay to be “okay”? Does no-one want to be at the top of the game anymore or are we letting our fat bellies grow?

There is something special about people who aim for above average, and something so different about those that aim for higher than that. It is the weight of your fat belly that will not let you live the luxurious life you imagine, the cars, the clothes, the homes you wish for will never come to pass because your belly is just to fat.

All it takes is for you to strip, look in the mirror at your belly and decide there and then that this doesn’t cut it. Fat belly-ism is a positive thing and should be used to benefit yourself.

Once you realize who you are and what you stand for, then you know that it’s okay to be yourself and to build and mend relationships around you. You just need to get rid of that fat belly.

Big booty-ism. On to something completely unrelated, I just noticed a peculiar thing about many Nigerian women that I had to write about. Maybe it’s just my eyes, maybe I’m secretly into big booty (if I was a guy though, I don’t think I’d be an ass man) or maybe there is a stage that many Nigerian women pass through in which there has been a time delay between their body an their bums and so they seem to be carrying two extra humans on each butt cheek, causing their bum to swing one way whilst they move in the opposite direction therefore blocking the isle so that my trolley full of stuff can not get pass them till we reach the end of the aisle, which seriously pisses me off.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just weird.

The Break-Up

I have taken time to write. This time, oddly enough, it has been hard.

I feel sort of lost, lonely, biding time till I can confidently express my thoughts.

My fingers are itching to type but my thoughts are still.

I can feel the urge within to write my emotions out, but everything in me seems lifeless.

I guess that’s how a break-up is supposed to feel.

Whatever the reason may be.

But, I have no one to talk to. The people I would are the last people I want to, so I walk around like there’s joy in my steps but I’m hollow.

Hollow. The words I want to spill on to the page are noiseless echoes within me.

It makes me sick. The needy helplessness, the unwanted pity, the reminiscing, the daydreams, the denial, the hate, the love, the stillness, the nothingness, the fact that as much as it bothers me I don’t feel any of it.

But this feels different.

I don’t know what to make of it.

It’s the pathetic feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that aches in my bones

It’s the loss of a bond, the loss of a friendship that had been molded and shaped with words and actions from the within.

The loss of a lover, the loss of a friend…

unfinished

Flaccid balls

I would like to address a current problem that I feel is beginning to creep into the youth culture as something acceptable, as a norm even.

The thing I love about Nigeria, especially during this world cup season is that although we all knew we were not going to get very far we were very patriotic. We hate our country but we love it at the same time. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t been there in 10 odd years, as long as your full name and/or surname is difficult to pronounce and of Nigerian origin then you support your country because those are where your roots are set. Your roots are very important in the way that you interact with people and behave, if your roots are set in the sewers you will be full of shit.

The issue I have identified comes from the fact that many people have set their roots in the sewers, spouting shit from every hole in their body at every given opportunity. No one has any respect anymore. Respect for personal space? None. Respect for privacy? None. Respect for your relationships? Absolutely none. Nobody cares whether you’re in a relationship anymore, according to everyone else it doesn’t matter. This really confuses me because I’m sure that most people also believes the notion that “if you can cheat with me, then you can cheat on me”, so why on Earth do guys (yes, you guys) think it is acceptable to say shit like “don’t worry it’d be low-key”, or “it doesn’t matter if you have a boyfriend”.

To be fair on the men, some of you snaky-ass females would lead a guy on, only to tell him you have a boyfriend when his trouser snake is digging into your thigh, boxers wrapped around his ankles and his breaths are heavy across your neck. You are she-devils. Apart from these unruly demons, most guys just think it doesn’t matter. Let me tell you now, it does. It does to me, it does to the female friends I have, and if you find yourself curled up on the floor with one ball looking a bit flaccid then that is nobody’s fault but yours.

It really pisses me off when guys underestimate the will power of women too, and truth is we do not make it easier for ourselves. How can a man you have just told to leave you alone, that you have a man already tell you some sewer shit like “don’t worry I can change that”, am I a dickhead? Am I a dumbass? You think you can just flick your fingers around a little and it’s all over, if it works for you, allow me burst that ego of yours, it is because she allowed it work. It makes me angrier than Uzo Aduba’s character Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’ in the series ‘Orange is the new Black’ with all that head banging you’d think I would have lost all my brain cells by now.

Uproot yourself and set your roots in good soil that will ensure you don’t end up with a flaccid ball. The anger I used to write this post is slowly dying out so I will stop here.

Women, take control of your body, if you can’t not cheat do not be in a relationship, save everyone the stress and save me the blistering fingertips from typing with so much frustration. Men, shut the hell up and find a single woman before you lose your chances of reproduction.

Goodnight.