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With the stress of exams beginning to build up my posts have become less regular but, have no fear I still write once in a while till it becomes a gigantic post ready to be shared with you darling readers. I recently hit the 50-post landmark and I must commend myself for even starting this blog and following it through to this point.
While watching my timeline one night I witnessed the funniest thing ever, it made me wonder why some people are so angry at life, why they decide to live by this “fuck all the haters” motive when really no-one gives a shit whether you’re putting up pictures of yourself looking like a lesbian A$ap Rocky, it’s simply just funny as hell. You want to appear to be the mature one but you continue to indirectly speak about these imaginary “haters”. I don’t know about most people but I don’t have the time to harbour a feeling like hate in me, I am nobody’s hater because I do not care about what you are doing with yourself as long as it has no direct influence on me and anyone I love, and even at that I may just strongly dislike you. I blame Kanye West completely for this, Kanye is just angry at life but the difference between you and Kanye is that, well, he’s Kanye and you’re you. I would say I understand what the craze is to buy the skinniest ripped jeans that could possibly stop the circulation in your lower half, or the piercings that just make you look awful, or the hair dying when you are not Chris Brown. I wish people would just know their place, know what suits you, know how to take a joke, know how to avoid embarrassment, because most of the time you bring it on yourself and it really is no-ones fault but your own.
Hate is such a strong feeling. I have found myself feeling like I hate a few people over the years but I quickly realize that it takes a lot of effort and energy that could be useful elsewhere in my life to hate someone, so I convert it to a strong dislike, because there is virtually no effort in this.
To be a hater is such a tiresome thing. You spend time thinking about how much you hate this person, when you see their name anger rises to the surface, when you hear about them you feel the need to stop the conversation or walk away, which to me is stressful. Nobody deserves that kind of effort if you don’t like him or her, nobody.
I try to make people happy, I feel it is what I was made for. I feel like I was put on Earth to share the things I love, to expose people to the things that make me happy to make other people happy. Sometimes I forget I need to be happy too but I’m working on it. Don’t hate. Love. If someone claims to hate you show them love because they must be so stressed out from hating you, you might as well try and kill them by smothering them with love, it will end their suffering. Or nah.
A little bit of advice I have for my readers today.
I used to not be scared of fire; I could light a match easily, wave my hand over a candle and get giddy from the adrenaline rush. Till the day I sat on the cold floor of my room, lit a scented candle (I think it was lavender and rosebush) and a piece of A4 paper fell out of my book on top of it. I managed to pick it up on one end without burning myself but on my way out of my room it started to burn the tips of my fingers and I dropped it under my computer, where all the wires were. My heart must have stopped because I froze, my mind was racing, my heart was beating fast but my body remained frozen almost like it wanted me to stay there and die (a possible cause for the hatred I used to feel for my body). It went out. My AC must have been on 16 degrees because the floor was freezing and the coolness put out the fire. It left a mark, a constant reminder that I could have burnt down my house and/or killed myself, since then I couldn’t light a match, I get my little brother to light a match if there is no light and I want to cook and my lighter just sits redundant till someone else comes along and lights it for me.
My fear has stopped me from doing something I love, whenever I want to. It has stopped me from being prepared for the worst. There is a passage in the bible that goes something like “The fear of man lays a trap, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe”, basically I’m saying that you should not let your fears control you, trust the Lord and be delivered from whatever you afraid of whether it be something as small as my fear of fire or a life-changing event because just like the thot in your dm it’s all an illusion, it’s a trap, a lie.
more stuff later x
Thinking about the beautiful things in life makes me feel like I don’t belong here. The beautiful souls that roam the Earth, the beautiful songs that we sing, the wonderful lives that we live, even when they aren’t appreciated. We all live different lives, we believe in different things, we all feel different, not part of this time maybe, not as good as the next person. Even in all differences, we still find the time to judge people, to look at another person and insult their differences.
I was actually just thinking about my relationship and how different I am in it compared to my day-to-day interactions with other people. The difference reminded me of words that mean something very strong that we tend to throw around like it’s nothing.
You’ve had 5 boyfriends in the last 4 years of your life, different kinds of people, you broke up with each of them for different reasons, you wanted to be in a relationship with them for different reasons and to each one of them you’ve said “I love you (too)”. Maybe he said it first, that very first time, and you got a little giddy, you had the goofiest grin or a smirk just creeping in and you replied him with those same words. I believe the word has been degraded and is very much acceptable to throw around without even understanding or actually feeling the true meaning of the word ‘love’, but to be “in love”. That’s a whole different ball game.
Sitting, listening to my ‘Press Play’ playlist, perfectly ordered from start to finish, all 44 songs lasting 2 hours, 58 minutes, the theme songs to your perfect few hours in bed with that perfect person. Recklessly, my mind floats back to the memories each of these songs are weighed down, abruptly destroying my peaceful daydream and I really just want to say, “what the hell was I thinking?” but today I don’t feel like joining the league of women that begin to hate their ex’s, questioning their mental health and/or eyesight. “What did I see in him?”, “what was I thinking?”, but you went out with him, you probably said “I love you” a few times, at one point he’s all you wanted, you were willing to do things you hadn’t dreamt of if he asked, but suddenly he’s ugly, you’ve decided you’re sapiosexual and he’s stupid, he’s actually too short, he’s so cocky, not funny, rude, spoilt, flirtatious, selfish, vain, but you dated him.
How come you only see the faults in him after the break up? He hasn’t changed, same guy, but none of those seemed to exist back then. He used to be just the right height, beautiful in your eyes, know exactly what buttons you like pushed, caring, understanding, sexy, he was it. Once upon a time he was your everything. So maybe he hurt you, maybe you broke up over something that really broke you, maybe it was even over nothing, you hate him, you detest him but most of the time you’re watching his twitter page like an eagle. Has he got a new chick? Is she prettier? Can she do it to you as good as I did? Where is he going? Is he happier without me? And you don’t stop till you find out that yes, he is happier, she does him better and you’re unhappy all over again, and you hate him all over again, like a vicious cycle, and it’s all your fault. But, to females it’s never our fault. We’re superior, right? We do more, we have to go through more, and so it can’t be our fault. Right? Are we really? Or do we just embed this into our brain because we are not as competent as men to handle our emotions.
Sometimes I do look back on the people in my past and wonder why, I haven’t figured it out yet but it’s one of the questions I wish Google had the answers to.
Words, to me, are the most beautiful thing in this world, the way they are able to capture you and make you feel emotions, caressing your mind, feeding your imagination. So when I read something that moves me I feel obliged to share it with other people. Read this amazing piece and allow the author make you feel in touch with your emotions. Enjoy x
Originally posted on Carnal Carnival:
P.S. I decided to try adding this poll thingy at the bottom this time just because. Feel free to tell me how you found this story
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, my plans for my life and the people I hope to keep in it for a long time. I guess I’ve been having writers block because it never takes me this long to come up with an idea. I’ve been occupied with a hell of a lot of stuff and I haven’t really had time to settle down and think. I don’t believe in writers block per say, I just believe in a lack of inspiration. I think you can find something to write about even if you look up and stare at your ceiling. There are a lot of things I could write about but the issue is, I don’t want to ramble on and on and on. I don’t want to bore my readers. I worry about what people think, which I do know is something I need to get rid of but the truth is I do care. I don’t want to write about something that appeals to no one. Being a sexual being means that most of my topics would have some sort of sexual reference slipped in or an inappropriate innuendo out of the blue drops into the third paragraph, but that’s just me. I like to imagine my readers sitting and laughing, smiling, nodding their heads in agreement, rolling their eyes like “you got that right guuurrl” when appropriate. It happens. I can’t think of what idea needs to be said. Maybe I shouldn’t speak for a while, but what good would that do. This is how my mind works, it just rambles on and on and on, creating a work that looks like one long boring paragraph but really I’ve been singing you a song. A little something called spoken word but the problem is I’m having writer’s block and so all my words just spill out non-stop.
Lately, I’ve had the chance to think a lot, especially with me always catching the wrong bus going in the opposite direction and the long journey backwards again. I’m not the best person with relationships, well I haven’t exactly been the best over the last couple years but what I do know is when I finally feel comfortable in my relationship, there is no one that has the power to make me break the trust that I share with this person. I mean, no one. Which leads me right to where I’m going, persistence. The persistent individual in your life that just won’t give up. Sometimes, persistence is great. Persistence gets you places, allows you to reach goals you ordinarily won’t if you just let it go after the first try. However, if I decide to tell you to back off because I believe you may be a threat to my relationship then I expect you do so, not say something like, “don’t worry it won’t ever get out” or “I’m careful, our secret is safe with me”, or even “it’s not really considered cheating though.” That’s the shit I hate. Firstly, “our secret” will get out, nothing is hidden under the sun. Secondly, I know you will tell someone, be it your best friend or some guy/girl you’re trying to show off to, you will tell, that is the honest truth, do not let anyone deceive you. Keep your guard up; don’t let anyone take that sort of power over you.
Which brings me to my next thought bubble.
I’m different. To you I may be weird, odd, common, normal, bad, good, whatever I am, I am different to different people, and so are you. Growing up in a Christian home, with a Christian family, in a country that is in the middle of a religious war, but becoming my own woman has been difficult. Coming from a country that passed a law to imprison people are seen to be gay for 14 years, and being a woman that doesn’t accept this law is a struggle, as my beliefs differ from that of those that brought me up. I d not believe it is right to lock someone up for 14 years because they happen to love someone of the same sex. Yes, according to the bible I read it is wrong but to me, love is simple. You fall in love with someone that happens to be the same sex, it’s your love, and it’s also your life. I do not support gay marriage in the church because that’s a step too far but I do believe in love, and I believe love can be shared between any two people. You’d hear them say “I’d never smoke, I’d never drink, I’m too young, I’m just 17, I will never have sex before marriage…” Don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t have sex before marriage, but just don’t enforce your opinions on me. If I want to do any of these things I will do it with a clear conscience, it would be my decision regardless of what you think is good for me. I know exactly what the bible says about all of these, I know the way in which I have been brought up leads me to follow the rules of the bible. However, it’s my decision to follow it or not, my choice. I am a Christian. I agree with most of the bible but some I don’t exactly follow, does that make me a bad Christian? Or not even a Christian at all? I don’t have the answers. I’m just trying to live my life happy, with people I love surrounding me, enjoying my youth, trying new things, experimenting and making other people happy because that’s my decision, and I’m sure as hell sticking to it.
This is going to be a short one, I can feel it. I just want to make a point and get it over and done with. Don’t you ever, and I mean ever, say to a girl (especially – because I’m a girl and I’m standing up for my ladies) or a guy who you know, deep within you is completely and utterly infatuated with you/loves you or will do anything for you after breaking up with them “let’s be friends”. To me, that’s worse than the break up. It is not your choice whether they should be friends with you, how dare you even mention the word friendship so soon after you’ve basically emotionally slapped someone. It makes me so angry when I hear things like that, what if I don’t want to be friends with you? What if I want to hate you? What if you don’t even deserve my friendship? It is so selfish to imagine that after all the love I’ve showed you I just want to be “friends” so soon after. It is wrong and selfish. If you ever say that someone after breaking up with them I really hope they don’t give you the satisfaction of friendship, I really hope they aren’t stupid enough (or love you enough –in most cases) to allow you into their life so easily.
Another thing, breaking up with someone because you think “it’s the best thing for you”, is stupid. (Yes, I am hypocrite in this case but that’s all over) You don’t know the best thing for anybody, everyone has a right to decide what they want with their lives, who are you to tell me that you not being here 24/7 because you’ve being studying hard for your exams is making me sad when I haven’t even complained once! Stop that rubbish, just don’t do it. If you want to end something, end it clean, with the truth. Honesty is will get you far.